Do İ have a choice?

This blog has been dormant for a very, very long time. This will be long, long enough to bore you but at the end, you will get an open chapter of my life. This might be the most open entry İ might ever post online.

THİS TOO SHALL PASS. Life is a roller coster ride, enjoy it by screaming your heart out.

İ started this simple attempt to keep myself from writing three years ago. That was also the time when İ was in college, back when a good internet connection is a rarity at home. But now that İ am miles away from home and fast internet connection is readily available, İ find myself being distracted leading to the eventual death of this little space of mine in the vast blogosphere. İ had no particular purpose when İ created this blog apart from giving myself a little space in the internet. My style of writing doesn't fit either to creative nor journalistic writing. Perhaps it is even more correct to say that İ write therapeutically. Yes, you indeed read it write. İ do write when things get tough, when my future seems vogue, and when my emotions are just too hard to contain. But my last post here is last year and I am halfway of 2015. My vocabulary hasn't really increased. No fresh ideas in my mind. 

İ have been almost two years now in Turkey and since the time İ first step foot in this foreign land who boasts its rich history, İ have taken a lot of changes. Changes that İ regret. But İ have learned that happiness is in fact a choice, a conscious decision that takes courage to take. And with this idea, İ will start to develop this post from there.

İ would not deny that staying here has been extremely challenging not because of the poor living conditions but because of some other reasons. İ have been in a crazy roller coaster emotional ride after few months of my arrival. İnitially, İ blamed the language. İt didn't make sense and it was difficult at seemingly awkward level. İt made me feel stupid and inferior. Surprisingly, İ survived the 9-month Turkish preparation class and obtained a C1 proficiency certificate. However, my tongue still struggle in pronunciation and my over-all fluency is questionable. And the feeling of unhappiness continues to run after me and İ failed to resist most of the time. İ succumbed to several bad decisions and they came with drum rolls in a march. 

İ wanted to volunteer in any program or start a community outreach activities but my plans remained unfulfilled even today. Last summer, İ planned to teach English in the internet in my attempt to somehow share a parcel of myself but even that simple act wasn't even fulfilled. İ spent last year's summer in my dorm room wasting my time. And there comes my first semester as a graduate student. The experience presented itself as a monster ready to devour me alive and in whole. Because my graduate program is not demanding as it should be, İ managed to survived my first year with ease and very satisfactory grades. But the instruction is faulty and needs revision and improvement in my opinion. İ don't think İ learned substantially the subject matter. Nonetheless, İ obtained good grades but sadly none of them reflect my learning or mastery of the topics. 

İn the middle of my first semester, İ decided to look for a job. İ found one as English teacher. Talk about a major career shift. A zoology graduate, a man of science by education, teaching English as a foreign language seems a deviation of the norm. İt was quite difficult because İ have no training and what happened was me trying several things hoping one will work out eventually. The job was fulfilling. İ met several Turkish whom some became friends. But eventually, İ grew tired of the nature of the job and İ felt that teaching isn't my calling. İ also had a horrible experience working in a small unknown language center. The man didn't pay me right on his grounds that İ didn't execute my job description as agreed. But there was no explicit detailed job description in the very beginning. Nonetheless, that horrible experience taught me a lesson.  

Now that my story has been told in details, İ will list down the things that İ have learned and things that that İ want to change. My daily routine looks like this: İ get up everyday, fix my bed, and ready myself to go to school, then İ arrive in the dormitory, lie on my bed and sleep. The same thing happens the next day. Because there has been no changes or complications in my life, days, no months seem to pass like hours. But İ have spent so much time in this horrible ground of self-pity. İt's time to rise up and fight back hard.

1. Happiness is a choice. İ would describe the past version of me as someone who is positive and optimistic. Yet people around me might describe me cold and silent, İ can't disagree because admittedly İ do have issues in social conditions. But İ did have that positive energy that despite problems lurking around me, İ still maintained a positive outlook of life. Everything has changed though. Changes that occurred too fast resulting to myself not being able to adapt to these changes and eventually ending up living a miserable life. (Miserable is way too much to describe it though). However, İ have come to realise that  happiness is a choice. Life in general is a choice. Being happy is about deciding to be happy, telling yourself that life is so beautiful despite it throwing you stones a size of a basketball. İ allowed the circumstances to put me in the dungeon of despondency and İ decided to dwell on it. That was my mistake: deciding to dwell on it long enough to cause trouble. Now that İ somehow understand how life manoeuvres us, İ am taking the steering wheel myself to take lead of my life. İ won't just drift away.

2. Learn from your mistakes. İ can't remember how many times İ have heard this cliche. İt may be overused but the truth it is untimely. My quest to find myself has led me to opening restricted door. İ gave in and passed through that door. My life has changed the moment İ set my foot on the other side. A change that now İ regret. As İ was exploring that unknown room, İ stumbled and made mistakes of my own. A particular one is haunting me right now because its result may just stay with me for the rest of the life. How stupid İ was during that time! How could İ be that stupid! But mistakes are part of the past and they should stay there. İ have to learn from them, move on with my life, and refrain from making same mistakes.

3. Think positive. İ am struggling to keep myself. İ failed to see the beauty in things. İt seems that my vision has turned black and the way İ see life is always coupled with negativity. İ am still able to keep my smile in front of people and fake it with no difficulty. But there is pinch of something within me that İ just don't understand. My Mexican friend is the closest to me. İ have never been open to  anyone like İ am to him. He knows my struggle and he knows that when İ invite him to a dinner in Görükle, he doesn't refuse because he knows that İ need to talk and İ need someone to listen to me. He always tells me to do something to change the situation. İ do agree. Thinking positively indeed bears sweet fruits.

4. Keep the excitement. When İ received the e-mail that İ won Turkey scholarship, İ was in cloud 9. İt was in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping. İ was jumping around in my tiny room. The mere thought that İ will be flying to a foreign country so far away from home made me excited. The people İ will be meeting, the new places İ will be visiting added color to my then shallow imagination. But as İ have mentioned previously, İ have changed too much. Now nothing excites me. İ will spend a semester in a Polish university in Bailystok, Poland. When İ received the letter of invitation last week, it seemed like an ordinary e-mail. There was no hit of even a little excitement in me. İ know this is bad. So İ am listing here enough reasons to look forward too and eventually making me excited for a semester-long stay in another foreign country. First, İ will have a first-hand opportunity to learn Polish. That's another addition in my resume. Second, since the university will host several hundreds Erasmus students, İ will have the chance to meet and befriend students from various European countries. İsn't that exciting? İ might have friends from Germany, İtaly, France, Belarus, and other European countries İ've never heard before. Third, İ will have experience of the Polish classroom culture. İ was a student in a state university in the south of the Philippines, a graduate student in another state university in Turkey's fourth largest city, and in the next semester to come an Erasmus exchange student in Poland. Life is bringing me to places İ have never wished for before. Fourth, this opportunity will offer me another set of challenges that hopefully will make me a better person after. University of Bialystok will have a taste of me soon. :)

5. Embrace changes. İ fell in love for the first  time in 22 years. Haha! But unfortunately, my love story immediately ended even before it started. However, it has made me more self-conscious and now İ try to project myself in a better way. İ am morphing into a metrosexual. Okay, just don't believe İ wrote that. Haha! Talking about embracing changes, you should only embrace positive changes. As you grow old, you learn new things and eventually you change even without knowing it. This is good. Embrace the change!

İ know that this is not the end. İ know that there is something more, that ahead of me are more challenges to overcome, more people to meet, more places to visit, more mistakes to make, more paths to take, and more dreams to realize.